Fathers And Mothers: Who Is More Responsible For Child's Bad Behaviours?

 

 

Both parents, father and mother, play fundamental roles in child's development, because they are the biological parents of the child. They work together towards the child's development. So, to pointedly say that one parent or the other contributed more to the poor development of a child is a bit difficult to prove. However, the obvious and impeccable truth remains that mothers have greater influence on their child's habits and lifestyles, especially during early childhood stage. How can we prove that mother's are more closer and familiar with their children? Both John Bowlby's and Mary Ainsworth's Attachment Theory emphasizes on the early close relationship between mothers and infants. It also stated that secure attachment (where child is raised in good environment by good parents to develop physically, cognitively, emotionally, and socially) will facilitate child development, whereas insecure attachment ( poor family dynamics such as fighting husbands and wives, poverty, lack of inclusive education, poor environment, and poor parenting) will lead to child's bad habits. The Attachment Theory proves beyond all reasonable doubts that mothers are closer to children than the fathers. Albert Bandura's Social Learning Theory posited the role of observing, imitating, and reinforcement in learning. Children learn through observing and imitating too. If this is true, it then means that children imitate and observe their mothers behaviours more than their father's behaviours since the children are most often with their mothers. John B. Watson's and B. F. Skinners Behaviorist Theory emphasizes the indisputable role of environment and learning in shaping children's behaviours. The Behaviorist Theory said that children learn through conditioning, reinforcement, and discipline.

We know that fathers give more punishment or correctional measures to children than mothers. Therefore, the mothers' unnecessary leniency and over-indulgence pave way for the development of antisocial behaviours in children. Not only that, Lev Vygotsky's Sociocultural Theory said that culture, language, and social interactions are pivotal in determining a child's cognitive development. Children learn through collaborative dialogue with persons in the environment where they are born or raised. And the number one person that a child knows is the mother too. Esther Thelen and Linda Smith's Dynamic Systems Theory posited that a child's development is a dynamic and self-organizing process that emerges from interactions between the environment, the child, and the caregivers. Who is a child's number one caregiver? It is the mother. If we sagaciously analyze the above child development theories and principles, we shall discover that children and mothers are one and inseparable right from the moment of conception of that child in the womb. The foetus was formed inside the woman's body at conception. Isn't it? It was the mother who felt the pains and inconveniences of the pregnancy. Isn't it? It was the mother who was at the labour room to be delivered of the baby. Isn't it? It was the mother who breastfed the child. Isn't it? It was the mother who bathed the child morning, afternoon, and night daily. Isn't it? It was the mother who dressed the bed where the child slept and cuddled and sang the lullabi for him/ her to enable the child sleep. Isn't it? Was it not the mother who changed the wet napkins in the midnight because it was inconveniencing the child and was awake while others slept?  Was it not the mother who cooked and fed the child? Was it not the mother who washed the clothes of the child? Therefore, without any atom of doubt, children are by far closer and familiar with mothers than fathers though everyone in the family bears the husband's name. Yes, it is true. But, it does not add up! It means nothing. It is a woman who owns 80% of a child. There is hardly a dispute about the maternity of a child. It does not happen easily. In contrast, however, there are several cases where men are arguing and fighting for the possession of a child. The DNA is solving the problem of disputed paternity today. The children are closer to their mothers than their fathers. Hence, they learn their mothers' behaviours in harmony with the development theories stated above. Due to that close attachment, the mothers begin to adopt the approach of looking at the other side when the children do bad things, little-knowing that they are indirectly killing the children under the guise of love and affection. Find below how mothers inadvertently contributed to their children's developing bad habits:

1. Over-indulgent attitudes of mothers: 

Mothers most times give in to their erring child's pressure and demands in a bid to avoid the child going into temper tantrums. By so doing, the mother will indirectly teach the child that he/ she can get his/ her objective or goal achieved by throwing a tantrum. Once this happens, that child is no more a proper child. There are many things such children cannot accomplish as long as this Earth is concerned! The mother has killed that child indirectly. Oversupply of treats can lead a child to an unhealthy eating habit. Not only that, the habit of expecting much rewards and encomiums for very minor accomplishments. For example, I know one girl (teenager) in Lagos. She likes to make unnecessary requests from her parents especially when they are in the midst of people. One day, as we discussing with her mother, she came and asked her mother to buy her pineapple. Her mother stood up to go to answer her either by buying the pineapple by herself for her or giving her money to buy it by herself. She forgot that she was with people. At that point, I told her to sit down because we were still in the middle of our discussion. We had not concluded it. It was also bad for the girl to interrupt our discussion just to satisfy herself. It was also utterly wrong for her mother to allow her daughter use her as a stooge. I explained some things to her mother and told her to change her approach to parenting.

2. Irregular discipline: 

Most times, mothers behave as if they love the children more than the fathers. They do not mince words when saying it publicly, especially during family conflicts. It is possible for a mother to love a child more than her husband. But, to say it in the presence of the husband is too bad. When husbands go out for daily business engagements, some wives will begin to tell the children that they love them more than their husbands. They poison the hearts of the children against their own fathers. If the woman is more educated  than her husband, and earns more salary than him, she uses that as a vantage position to insult her husband. Husbands believe that their wives are usually reluctant to assist in payment of bills in the house. Those bad-mannered wives insult their husbands just for paying one bill or the other. They forget in a moment all that the husbands have done for the family. Please, change your behaviour if you are among this category of wives. It's not fair at all. When a husband is beating his child for one offence or the other, some wives will be murmuring against the husbands. At the absence of the husbands, they will tell the erring children not to mind his/ her cruel father. The wives will magnify whatever punitive measure that the man had used to punish the child. This way, the children will begin to hate their own father because he told them the truth and does not want them to become useless and harmful to the family and larger society. Therefore, inconsistent discipline in the family confuses the children. They cannot know clearly their parents' position on that offence committed. Letting children get away with offences is a clear signal that that family is an ocean-going ship without rudder to control it. If the Federal Governments of countries, States, and regions of the world have laws to govern them, and defaulters are punished according to the applicable laws of the land, why is it an offence to lightly punish erring children in the family? A child that you love should be lightly punished for his/ her wrong actions. Failure to address misbehaviours is the easiest and shortest way of teaching the child that he/ she can act the way he/ she likes without any consequences or anybody raising an eyebrow. It should be noted here that I am not encouraging parents to mete out harsh punitive measures to the erring children. No, I did not say that. Yelling and using abusive words is an ill wind that blows nobody good. It hardens the heart of some children, making them defiant to instructions. It makes them learn to resolve matters aggressively. 

3. Enabling behaviours:

When a mother does all the domestic chores that her children should have done, she has spoilt those children already. Participating in domestic chores is a way of training your children: how to cook, clean the kitchen utensils, sweep and mop the floor etc, and it makes children independent and self-reliant. Those mothers who always give excuses on behalf of their children's misbehaviours do not sincerely love them. They teach the children not to accept responsibility for their actions and decisions. Such children cannot develop problem-solving skills since they cannot accept their mistakes and take corrections. When parents provide excess emotional support, it prevents the children from developing emotional regulation skills and resilience.

4. Modeling bad habits: 

Mothers who spend excessive time watching televisions or engaging in other sedentary activities may encourage the children to do the same, thereby making them to have poor academic performance. Mothers who constantly procrastinate or have poor time management skills may end up teaching the children the same thing. 

 Find below cases of criminals who blamed their mothers for their bad habits and poor upbringing:

1. Ted Bundy (executed in 1989) was an American serial killer, who blamed his mother, Eleanor Louise Cowell, for not encouraging him to exhibit good habits which grew into a full-fledged lifestyle of crimes.

2. Charles Manson (died in prison in 2017)  an American cult leader and convicted murderer, blamed his mother, Kathleen Maddox, for his troubled childhood. He said that his mother was a harlot who abandoned him to the street lifestyle, rejection, and low self-esteem.

3. Gary Gilmore (executed in 1977), an American convicted murderer, blamed his mother, Bessien Gilmore, for not raising him up uprightly. He said that his mother was emotionally abusive and contributed immensely to his development of antisocial behaviours.

4. John Wayne Gacy (executed in 1994), an American serial killer, blamed his mother, Marione Elaine Robinson, for his ill-fated childhood and doom.

5. Aileen Wuornos (executed in 2002), an American serial killer, blamed his mother, Diane Wuornos, for his bad upbringing.

6. David Berkowitz (Son of Sam), blamed his mother, Pearl Berkowitz, for his troubled childhood and antisocial behaviours.

7. Richard Ramirez (Night Stalker), a serial killer and rapist, blamed his mother, Mercedes Ramirez, for not encouraging him to abstain from bad habits.

8. Dennis Radar (BTK Killer), also known as the BTK (Bind, Torture, Kill), blamed his mother, Dorothea Radar, for his troubled childhood.

9. Ed Glein (Butcher of Plainfield), an American murderer and body snatcher, blamed his mother, Augusta Glein, for his ill-fated childhood.

10. H. H. Holmes (America's first serial killer), was born as Herman Webster Mudgett, blamed his mother, Leviathan Mudgett, for his troubled childhood.

Here in Nigeria, the story is the same. Some armed robbers and criminals who were executed by firing squad and hanging, also blamed their mothers publicly for being responsible for their fate. The truth must always speak for itself! It defends itself more than anybody can defend it. In fact, one of them asked his mother to come closer to him that there was an important information he wanted to pass to her. His hands were already tied to his back awaiting his execution. As his mother came forward to hear her son's last words, her son bit off her ear and spewed it to the ground. After that, he was shot.

 It is very imperative for all mothers to recognize these mistakes and make a prompt U-turn from being indulgent parents to proactive ones to model good habits for the children to emulate. Mothers should set clear boundaries at homes and schools, and provide consistent disciplinary culture to prevent the children from drifting further into bad and antisocial conducts.

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